(As seen on The Today Show, Good Housekeeping, HerViewFromHome, ScaryMommy, The Huffington Post, Mamamia, MomsEveryday, and numerous social and news media outlets. UPDATED – 3/3/2017)
Friends, as most of you know, I get to spend an hour each week with a group of young people going through addiction recovery. Yes. Young people. I’m talking teenagers who are locked away for at least six months as they learn to overcome their addictions. I’m always humbled and honored to get this time with these beautiful young souls that have been so incredibly assaulted by a world they have yet to understand. This also comes with the bittersweet knowledge that these kids still have a fighting chance while several of my friends have already had to bury their own children.
Recently I asked these kids a simple question: “How many of you have found yourself in situations where things started happening that you weren’t comfortable with, but you stuck around, mainly because you felt like you didn’t have a way out?”
They all raised their hands.
Every single one of them.
In the spirit of transparency … I get it. Though in my mid-forties, I’m still in touch with that awkward boy who often felt trapped in the unpredictable currents of teenage experiences. I can’t count the times sex, drugs, and alcohol came rushing into my young world; I wasn’t ready for any of it, but I didn’t know how to escape and, at the same time, not castrate myself socially. I still recall my first time drinking beer at a friend’s house in junior high school—I hated it, but I felt cornered. As an adult, that now seems silly, but it was my reality at the time. “Peer pressure” was a frivolous term for an often silent, but very real thing; and I certainly couldn’t call my parents and ask them to rescue me. I wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place. As a teen, forcing down alcohol seemed a whole lot easier than offering myself up for punishment, endless nagging and interrogation, and the potential end of freedom as I knew it.
X-Plan
For these reasons, we now have something called the “X-plan” in our family. This simple, but powerful tool is a lifeline that our kids are free to use at any time. Here’s how it works:
Let’s say that my youngest, Danny, gets dropped off at a party. If anything about the situation makes him uncomfortable, all he has to do is text the letter “X” to any of us (his mother, me, his older brother or sister). The one who receives the text has a very basic script to follow. Within a few minutes, they call Danny’s phone. When he answers, the conversation goes like this:
“Hello?”
“Danny, something’s come up and I have to come get you right now.”
“What happened?”
“I’ll tell you when I get there. Be ready to leave in five minutes. I’m on my way.”
At that point, Danny tells his friends that something’s happened at home, someone is coming to get him, and he has to leave.
In short, Danny knows he has a way out; at the same time, there’s no pressure on him to open himself to any social ridicule. He has the freedom to protect himself while continuing to grow and learn to navigate his world.
This is one of the most loving things we’ve ever given him, and it offers him a sense of security and confidence in a world that tends to beat our young people into submission.
However, there’s one critical component to the X-plan: Once he’s been extracted from the trenches, Danny knows that he can tell us as much or as little as he wants … but it’s completely up to him. The X-plan comes with the agreement that we will pass no judgments and ask no questions (even if he is 10 miles away from where he’s supposed to be). This can be a hard thing for some parents (admit it, some of us are complete control-freaks); but I promise it might not only save them, but it will go a long way in building trust between you and your kid.
(One caveat here is that Danny knows if someone is in danger, he has a moral obligation to speak up for their protection, no matter what it may cost him personally. That’s part of the lesson we try to teach our kids—we are our brother’s keeper, and sometimes we have to stand for those too weak to stand for themselves. Beyond that, he doesn’t have to say a word to us. Ever.)
For many of us parents, we lament the intrusion of technology into our relationships. I hate seeing people sit down to dinner together and then proceed to stare into their phones. It drives me nuts when my kids text me from another room in our house. However, cell phones aren’t going away, so we need to find ways to use this technology to help our kids in any way we can.
Since first publishing this piece, I’ve seen an incredible amount of discussion about the pros and cons. Here are some of the questions folks have had:
Doesn’t this encourage dishonesty?
Absolutely not. It actually presents an opportunity for you as a parent to teach your kids that they can be honest (something DID come up, and they DO have to leave), while learning that it’s okay to be guarded in what they reveal to others. They don’t owe anyone an explanation the next day, and if asked can give the honest answer, “It’s private and I don’t want to talk about it.” Boom! Another chance for a social skill life-lesson from Mom and Dad.
Does this cripple a kid socially instead of teaching them to stand up to others?
I know plenty of adults who struggle to stand up to others. This simply gives your kid a safe way out as you continue to nurture that valuable skill.
What if this becomes habitual?
If you’re regularly rescuing your kid, hopefully your family is having some conversations about that.
If you don’t talk about it or ask questions, how do they learn?
If you’re building a relationship of trust with your kids, they’ll probably be the ones to start the conversation. More importantly, most of these conversations need to take place on the FRONT-side of events. Ever taken a cruise? They all make you go through the safety briefing in case the boat sinks. They don’t wait until the ship’s on fire to start telling you about the lifeboats. Talk with them. Let your kids ask questions and give them frank answers.
If they’re not where they’re supposed to be, shouldn’t there be consequences?
Let’s be honest. A kid in fear of punishment is a lot less likely to reach out for help when the world comes at them. Admitting that they’re in over their heads is a pretty big life-lesson all by itself. However, don’t get so caught up in all of the details. This isn’t a one-size-fits-all scheme. Every parent, every kid, and every situation is unique. What it might look like in your family could be totally different from mine—and that’s okay.
I urge you to use some form of our X-plan in your home. If you honor it, your kids will thank you for it. You never know when something so simple could be the difference between your kid laughing with you at the dinner table or spending six months in a recovery center … or (God forbid) something far worse.
At the end of the day, however, the most important thing is that you’re having some open, honest discussions with your kids. Keep building a relationship of trust. This isn’t the same world we grew up in. It’s not like sneaking a beer at Billy’s house anymore. Our kids face things on a daily basis that—given one bad decision—can be fatal. Don’t believe me? I’ve been to funerals for great kids from awesome families.
Friends, it’s a dangerous world. And our kids are out in it everyday.
Prayers for strength and compassion to the parents out there as we all try to figure out this whole parenting gig—it never gets easy.
I beg you to share this piece. Talk about it with your kids. If this somehow gives just one kid a way out of a bad situation, we can all feel privileged to have been a part of that.
#xplan
Blessings, friends.
Release date from Simon & Schuster / Howard Books: June 11, 2019.
Bert Fulks 
Reblogged this on Simply Etta D. and commented:
Have two daughters, this makes so much sense. There was no X plan in our family but whenever the call came, there was a pick up with no questions asked.
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Addiction .. sad but true, lost my first husband to an accidental overdose.. I have read about young teens dying with overdoses.. I wish I could save them all ❤️
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How do you recommend to handle the X situation if he feels the same way around the same people again? Do you think their friends will start catching on with the same excuse and phone call each time?
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Hopefully he will come to the realization that those are not the ones he should be interacting with.
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What about when the friends ask, concerned, about what happened that Danny had to rush out that way?
Lying is never good imo
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Where’s the lie? He can tell them there was a private family situation that he’s not comfortable talking about. I think the plan is genius and wish we had that when I was growing up.
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A small lie is better than being dead
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If ever there were an instance when a lie was acceptable, I’d say this is it.
The outcome of not lying is far riskier, and lies may then be told to the parent to cover dangerous acts. No matter how much we instill honesty, the teenage brain is not equipped with experience to rely on honesty to escape peer pressure. I know because my parents tried with me. It hurt to lie to them, but honesty among peers is not generally considered admirable or brave.
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So you care more about what his friends think than his safety? Give me a break.
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You don’t have to lie just say there was a family issue and that’s it!
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Obviously Ellen, you haven’t been exposed to the ramifications of drugs or alcohol. I worked in an emergency room for years and I’ve seen the horrors of what they can do to people young or old. A lie??? Do ANYTHING, if it takes a child out of a dangerous situation🙏
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Lying is better than dying!
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Thoughts:
– Staying probably means lying to the parents by omission that something unhealthy was going on.
– A kid that is able to make the X-text is not in danger of becoming a compulsive liar.
– Safety first, and above all.
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There is no lie. Something has come up which is represented by the “X” text. Look at the phone call again:
“Hello?”
“Danny, something’s come up and I have to come get you right now.”
“What’s wrong?” or “What’s going on?”
“We’ll talk more when I get there. Be ready to leave in five minutes. I’m on my way.”
I changed some of the words to make it easier to spot. The situation that Danny is in is the something. Danny can advise the people that he is with that something came up and his mom is coming to get him but she didn’t talk to him about it on the phone. There is no lie. Don’t let semantics get in your way of protecting your loved ones.
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neither are the ‘friends’ who made you feel so uncomfortable you needed to active the #xplan Doubt they would be the kids asking ‘what happened’
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This could probably be used a couple of times with minor tweaks to the conversation. Hopefully the young person will use the first “X” text as a learning experience and make better choices concerning the people they choose to hang out with.
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Maybe, maybe not. Being a teen and having a way to “save face” is important at this stage of their life and they are still figuring out who they are as a person
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Saying your family needs you home is not a lie. We did need them home when they are in danger of getting into a situation they can’t handle.
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He needs some new friends !
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I would think he would stop going there after a bad initial experience?
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I would think if he feels that way about his friends multiple times he needs to find new friends.
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That was the first thing that I thought about, secondly most kids who are with other kids who are drinking is because they want to drink too.
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Perhaps my opinion will change if/when I become a parent, but I don’t entirely agree with the “no questions asked” policy. Instead, I would aim more for a “no judgments passed” mentality.
As such, I think I would want to ask my child if he/she actually wants to still hang out with these people. If they are consistently putting my child in situations that cause him/her to be uncomfortable enough to call me, I would hope that my child wouldn’t feel the pull or the obligation to pursue acceptance from them anymore.
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As a parent you learn a great deal. Maybe even a little more about yours. Mark Twain said the older I got the smarter my father became.
I have two young children. The reality is someday they will lie to me. I have to decide if I’ll let them get away with it or not just like my parents did with me.
What I think is important about this is trust. You have given them an option to get out. By the time they’re a teenager you have taught them a lot. They will make choices you agree with or not. I did.
So by saying text me X. I’ll get you out. Isn’t a free pass over and over. It’s a pass and I sleep a little better that night. I know I’ll find out what I need to know. The 5 w’s. Just not then. You are still the parent. But think about this. We all have had atleast one point in our lives when this would have helped. Sometimes we need a moment to digest what has happened.
Now imagine your 10-18. The trust your children will have for the parents is much more. the trust you’ve given them will be returned but it’s on their time not yours.
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Maybe that’s a sign that he needs new friends.
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I had an agreement similar to this with my daughter when she was a teenager. I was a single mom. She could call me at any time of night, in any situation, and I would come get her no questions asked. This not only allowed her to be able to trust me and confide in me, but it alleviated immense anxiety on my end. We always discussed the situation the next day, and we had a “truth rule.” You tell me the truth and I won’t yell at you, and we’ll decide your punishment together. She’s now a very well adjusted woman, married to a mother’s DREAM guy for her daughter, almost done with college for nursing, and she still tells me everything. Do this!!
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We had the same plan in my home when kids were teenagers. Never had to use it, but the plan was in place.
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We had the same thing u call I will be there and u tell me what u want I think I new more about my kids then I wanted too lol but it works They where at a party I have 16 kids so no one ever went by them self anyways they heard someone had a gun so they called I picked them up 2 Friends died that night And yes I called the police but this happened like 10 minutes after I pick up my kids so it was too late but I always thought thank god my kids could call me or it could have been them It’s hard but please try and listen to them and remember we where young once too and it’s hard
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It’s such a great idea. What happens when it becomes super common, and all the kids can read thru what your child is doing? I guess change the plan! Everyone has to have their own version of this anyway.
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Having your kid lie to his friends and then not tell you how and why he got into such a situation is terrible advice. The next day his friends will want to know what happened. So he’s going to have to lie even more.
Not telling you how he got into that predicament, misses an important teaching opportunity. He’ll soon be back in a similar situation only this time telling the lie to his friends again will be much like the boy who cried wolf.
I’m not a fan of harsh punishments, but actions should have consequences. However you also have to be discussing these issues well in advance. Finally there’s something to be said for some pro-active parenting. You should not be dropping your kid off at a party where you aren’t 100% positive the parents chaperoning will keep the alcohol in the liquor cabinet and remove anyone trying to use illegal drugs.
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In a perfect world things go as planned. This is a plan if things don’t.
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There is nothing wrong with “lying” to his friends if he is uncomfortable. Even the best of teenage friends make poor choices. As an adult, we are more likely to explain to our friends why we disagree with their actions or are leaving, but to assume children will automatically do this is naive. Children are often socially centered and have yet to develop the kind of self-awareness that they don’t have to get involved. That’s the very backing behind peer pressure. It’s not always a party. My first experience with drugs was at a sleepover with a long time friend where the parents were home. They were none the wiser. And the friend turned out to be a great human being, but at the time she was just making choices based on peer pressure.
Assuming that a teenager must tell you about this thing will stem the flow of communication. If I had thought my mom would stop me from hanging out with this friend again, who I liked very much and had fun with, I wouldn’t have told her anything.
The important thing is I would be safe. Later, when I learned to be more self-aware I was able to discuss these events and get the opinions of people I trusted.
But take it from one teenager who took the bad choices way too far, almost all of my bad choices were from being a bystander to things I was too afraid of standing up against.
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You can never be absolutely sure. It is fast to common and, unlike the old days, w don’t know our neighbors like we used to. This is not a plan to be over used as an excuse all the time but as a plan to keep your child safe in case the unforseen happens. The lesson is in your child being responsible enough this ain’t no one asked for your help. If they don’t have they will not talk to you as teenagers. I am a substance abuse counselor I’m working with teenage boys in a residential setting for 10 years. I know that many of them were brought into this life by their parents (that is another story all together) but a number of them got stuck and didn’t have an out and lost everything.
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You can never be absolutely sure. It is far to common and, unlike the old days, we don’t know our neighbors like we used to. This is not a plan to be over used as an excuse all the time but as a plan to keep your child safe in case the unforseen happens. The lesson is in your child being responsible enough to know that the situation is
Wrong, they are in over their head and that they know they can ask for your help. If they don’t have trust that they won’t get lectured and nagged all of the time, they will not talk to you as teenagers. I am a substance abuse counselor I’ve been working with teenage boys in a residential setting for 10 years. I know that there are a lot of ways that they get into these situations, but a number of them got stuck and didn’t have an out and lost everything. I have 4 teenagers myself and have suffered from addiction and lost everything. I have a similar plan with my kids. I have never had to use it. I hope I don’t. But if I do, I will consider my kid strong and wise that they came to me for help.
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> Finally there’s something to be said for some pro-active parenting. You should not be dropping your kid off at a party where you aren’t 100% positive the parents chaperoning will keep the alcohol in the liquor cabinet and remove anyone trying to use illegal drugs.
What you’re describing is helicoptering and teaches children nothing. Yes, be at least rational to knowing who is involved in the situation (and you can do this by taking an active interest in your child’s life), but simply blocking them from the exposure to the situation doesn’t teach a child anything.
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Oh PLEASE. Yes in your perfect world all of that would go just flawlessly. But as an adult who remembers being a teenager with strict, need-to-know-every-single-detail parents, not only did it not work, it made me retreat further away from them, share less with them, and trust them less. If you don’t TRUST your children (meaning not NEEDING to know every detail of what went on unless someone is in danger) they won’t trust you. And they may even hate themselves a little. What I would have given for an ounce of trust. Just one time for them to not have to probe until I relented when I screwed up. And I wasn’t a “bad” kid. But I was a kid. And I made mistakes. And they never trusted me to learn from them, they just had to know for themselves. It sends a message whether you think so or not. The message is: you can’t deal with anything on your own, I have to fix it. The x-plan is a wonderful idea and, of course, can be tweaked to fit a family’s individual needs. Every kid is different and needs different parenting. You’re not teaching them to lie and lie more. You’re teaching them that in your family, the most important relationship you’ll ever have, it’s ok to trust each other and do what you have to do to keep yourself safe. Even if that means not telling your friends the details of why you had to leave. Friends, especially ones who your child can’t trust as much as he can trust you, won’t last forever. Family does.
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you are totally out of touch with what goes on when you aren’t around…wake up and take off your rose colored glasses
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It sounds like you have some solid ways of being certain about things that many parents might be interested in–I’m truly interested to know more about that. How do know a kid would fully tell you what’s going on when you ask them? If you can be certain, do you feel they would withhold important information from you? Do you feel kids will reach towards safety and lie to their friends for reasons not in their best interest? How can parents achieve 100% certainty that nothing un-toward is going on? If you’re 100% certain nothing is going on, do you think your kids would ask to be taken away from a situation without good reason?
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But your kid will be alive to figure out how to handle questions and to make better choices in the future.
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Strycat, even when you discuss with the other parent that they will be home, etc., please know that parents lie. I had a mother tell me she would be home, but then she and her boyfriend proceeded to get drunk! The kids were out at night hanging on a street corner at MCDonalds where any number of things could have happened. This is not a foolproof method.
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Sounds like they were safer on the streetcorner than with the drunk psuedo-parents.
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You live in a dream world, the world has changed so much! I have a 28 yr old, who is amazing, well adjusted and successful, but raising her we had the call no questions that night rule BUT things have gotten out of hand. We now have an 11 & 13 yr olds and I am terrified of what the pressure is like now! Every kid has a cell phone, drugs are laced with other drugs and kids have less respect for others! I think anything that keeps my girls ALIVE is worth a try and if lying to her peers gets her home safe than that is what needs to happen! We all were teens at one time and got ourselves into a situation where we wanted out but didn’t know how ……… I’ll be making sure my girls ALWAYS have an X plan!!!!!!
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You are the parent this was designed for. Knowing 100% that parents will be there and follow your rules produces kids who cannot judge for themselves when to leave. I am a college professor and I can attest that kids raised like you suggest are our biggest problem the minute they are not under that level of scrutiny. Teach them to analyze a situation and know how to get out of it. Be the solution while they are learning to make these wise decisions on their own.
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Can’t a parent do both? Can’t a parent give the kids an “out” AND have them know that you are open to discussing how to deal with a similar situation in their future. Some of my children were raised before cell phones were in every kid’s backpack, but they knew that my first priority was always their safety. And they knew they could talk to me about ANYTHING. So we often talked about their real life and how they could handle it on their own. I liked asking them questions like, “So, what would you do if you found yourself in a situation like this again? I won’t always be there and you need to figure out some good strategies for yourself. I can help you with that if you’d like”.
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A lot of teenagers are already pretty comfortable lying- it’s not a big stretch to ask them to do it for their safety. And I think the don’t ask/don’t tell aspect will, in the long run, build a lot more trust with a teenager than having a parent hanging around at their parties to ensure 100% compliance with unrealistic ideals.
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Read the other posts. Your moralizing does nothing to protect young people. In a perfect world I would agree, but it’s not a perfect world. Your preoccupation with ‘lying’ again, read all posts, is concerning.
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My parents did similar for me with land lines over 30 years ago. It is etched in my brain forever because I clearly remember using it. Greatness for a rough age in life.
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My children now 31, 28, and 26 had an X plan. They knew that if they were in a situation they could call and ask “how is granddaddy “. Being that they did not have a living granddaddy., the response would be “not good” where are you I need to come get you. it not only gave me comfort knowing they had a strategy to use it also made them more conscientious of their surroundings. Fortunely it never had to be used. By the way, one of my daughters sent this to me stating “we always had our X plan”.
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Inspiring…thx.
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This is a great idea that I’ll be using when my little boy is old enough. Thanks for sharing
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I can think of no better person to do this with young people than you…you are and angel, and anyone who hasn’t figured that out already, they need their head examined….you are so very special, Tammy…
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Now eveyone know the “X Plan” I just told mine to call and I’ll come get them and their friends. Never get in a car with someone drinking or doing drugs.
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The problem with “just calling” is that the kid will have to ask for a ride in front of his buddies. OR he’ll be covert and then be grilled by his parent about “What’s going on? Why do I need to come get you now? You’re not even where you said you’d be. (etc.)”
This eliminates the confusion.
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Love it! Thanks for this! My kids are tweens so not quite into the personal phone nor being out late on their own but this is definitely one for my teen toolbox!!!
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I love this idea, it sounds wonderful.
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So maybe someone asked this before, but how do you then handle it if your child asks you to hang out with the same kids in the same situation at a later date?
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We as parents never know all the details. Give them credit.
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They’ve shown they can judge the safety and leave when they need to. They might be more ready to use the out since it went fine last time. As with anywhere they go you use your best judgement with what you know. But I’d count the x last time as a positive.
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This is a crutch for not having to deal with a bad or awkward situation. In life those are going to happen. The kid needs to find some big boy pants and learn to deal with it.
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That’s possible. Is there an example of a situation that a kid should learn to deal with?
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I’d say that finding a way out without socially alienating themselves is a pretty awesome pair of big boy pants & way of dealing with it…
Peer pressure is very real. The majority of kids do not have the ADULT social skills of not caring what others think when they get up & leave or seem to condemn the actions by making a different choice. Those skills come with age & experience. Getting help in a tough situation IS a great skill, and teaching kids to reach out for help is important for the rest of their lives. It’s not a crutch, it’s a great way for kids to learn how to handle uncomfortable situations.
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I hope your kids never find themselves in a difficult situation before they reach that age of self confidence to be able to handle difficult situations. Especially knowing how you feel. They are usually the ones with no lifeline to cling to and 32nd up in the sad category of submitting to peer pressure. Or fall victim to others cruel behavior…and never would open up to you if they needed help. Or feel like they are so smart that they can handle ANYTHING and that nothing bad can happen to them if I try this or that because they THINK they are in control and know it ALL already.
You are totally being nuieve if you think your child can handle every and all situations they are put in by themselves.
This is a crazy wacked out world we live in today and these kids NEED help to make it through the woods so to speak.
Sounds like you are skirting your own responsibility as a parent aka:
To find ways to help protect them until they are more aware of what dangers are out there. Kids are completely different when alone with their friends, or aquaintences than when they are with mom and dad always knowing all the right answers that their parents WANT to hear.
They are taking responsibility for themselves when they do the X plan.
Sometimes situations that are happening around them , they have no control over and happen unexpectedly…no matter how careful they may be themselves situations arise.
Man up! Give your kid an X plan, sure encourage them to be independent and make thoughtful decisions.
But let them know until they are of a certain maturity level that you are their dad and are there to help them grow learn and remain safe…and want to give them the best possible chance at a good healthy happy life.
Please!!
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Wow! Just wow! As a mother of an addict who found herself in exactly the situations described here, I can tell you that your kids must be pretty amazing to be able to handle such tough subjects at their age! But carry on!
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If a kid needs to use this all the time, its a problem. If its just a once in a blue moon thing, than it is a healthy way for them to get out. I didnt pry the one time my son used this, but after a while he told me. And we talked about what to do and how to handle it the next time. Kids dont always know how to get out, and it is my job to teach him…not just leave him to figure it out on his own
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Reblogged this on abbie in wondrland and commented:
This is brilliant. Use those electronics for good.
Share this with a friend, will ya?
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What an awesome strategy…I wish I had been as smart as this when my sweet daughter was trapped and spiralling…at times I feel I have failed her in so many ways…
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I just read someone say this is a crutch to not deal with these situations….. wow. I’d be that “crutch”every single time if it meant they didn’t experiment with drugs abuse sex and indulge in alcohol. What do you think AA is? They have “buddies” who come and get them when their in bad situations. How many times could a lost kid could have never been lost had they had a life line to their parents big brother or sister. Can you really read this article and be so absent minded that people in general need a way out?
Or course you teach your child to make sound decisions and avoid sticky situations but when things go south they need to know there is a person willing and ready to rescue them regardless of how they got into that predicament. I will ask and guide them through how to avoid it in the future or how to have boldness to stand up to peer pressure but my priority will first get them out of there then ask questions later.
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This is beautiful, critical, and exactly what our kids needs from us! My daughter and I had a *code* saying she could use- I just told her to simply text X now. LOVE THIS. Sharing everywhere. And THANK YOU for serving those precious souls who need you, your wisdom, and your compassion. ❤
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Reblogged this on T A T U M .
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I think this is a fabulous idea! I had very strict parents who accepted NO excuses for even minor rule infractions.
I remember one time that I had a choice between getting a ride with a driver who had been drinking, or getting in HUGE trouble for being at a party where there was drinking going on. Being a young teenager, I chose to ride with the impaired driver rather than risk the wrath of my parents. What a horrible choice! The goal is to get your kids home safely at the time, not to berate them or to punish them for making a poor choice. You can talk to them the next day.
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I like the idea and will use it with our 17yr old son. Knowing in a couple short years like me he will not tell his parents everything anyway. But I also agree this assumes it’s a one & done or at best two time option. Kids do need to be thinking about ethical dilemmas all the time. I work in hospital ethics and from a young age began discussing broad ethical dilemmas with him. An ethical dilemma is simply when there are two right answers. When you wrestle with life and death dilemmas it helps your child share their dilemmas when they arise. Friends over family, adventure over fear of taking risks, weighing the risk/benefit/burden ratio.
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I have always told, and still do, my now 19 year old I will always take his call or pick him up, no questions. I’ve had to and he’s always been open with me about the situation. I always tell him to put it on me if he doesn’t want to go somewhere to do something. That’s always made him feel better about not being pressured into a situation he knows isn’t comfortable.
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Your X-Plan is genius and so simple! I have reposted your piece and today implemented with my son who had a visible sense of relief when we discussed it. Even the kid with the best moral compass needs this, hope more parents will use. I really like in the example of the texts used, how you said ” remember who you are ,and whose you are.” important!
Thank you.
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We did this for our children. The key component was that we would come, no questions asked. No judgement. It has resulted in some amazing conversations started and the girls came to understand that we lived them no matter what.
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Reblogged this on Ipseity Road and commented:
What a great idea!!!
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Pingback: Use This Dad’s ‘X Plan’ And Your Teen Will Always Have A Way Out Of A Bad Situation | Nifymag.com
My parents had something along the lines of this. I was always told if I was ever in an uncomfortable situation, I could call at any time to be picked up. To this day (25 yrs old) we still haven’t talked about those nights. But it was nice to know that in a situation where my friends said they wouldn’t drink because they were DDing, but ended up drinking, I would be able to come home safe.
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Great idea! As far as being cocerned that people would be encouraging their children to lie. Consider the fact that Abraham asked his wife Sarah to tell a particular people that she was his sister. I believe she was his sister but they did not share the same mother. Either way he was clearly trying to decieve people into thinking Sarah was not his wife because he was afraid they would kill him in order to take Sarah as their own wife, simply because she was very beautiful. The scriptures also say, “16Do not be overly righteous, neither make yourself overly wise. Why should you destroy yourself? 17Do not be too wicked, neither be foolish. Why should you die before your time? ” Ecclesiastes 7: 16-17
We should provide a way out for our children just as God does for us. “13No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1Corinthians 10: 13
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We always had this deal with the kids – still do. Now in their twenties, the truth leaks out now and again. But we also had another part to the plan. I told them, if you are going out somewhere, and you are lying to me about where you are going/who you will be with, I might need to know the truth, for whatever reason. So, if you promise to write down exactly where you are _really_ going and with whom, leave the note tucked under the blotter on my desk, throw it out when you get home, then I promise not to look unless I absolutely need to find you. No questions asked. More than once I noticed a tiny white corner of a piece of paper sticking out. Not once did I ever look. And thankfully, because my kids were getting really good at navigating their world, I never had to. Talk about trust!
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My parents told us growing up that if we were ever in a situation where we felt uncomfortable, we should call them and they’d come get us. I only ever used that out one time, but boy was I glad to have the option! Nothing horrible was happening, I was with a good group of kids but things had turned a direction that was making me very uncomfortable and I wanted to get out of there. It’s crucial for parents to give their kids a way to get out of a situation and get home safely no matter what.
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Pingback: X-Plan: Giving your kids a way out (#xplan) | M J Austin
This is brilliant, by giving a child the power, they take ownership for their decisions and actions and will build confidence in who they are to make better decisions everyday. Even if they never use the plan, they have been given this power and support from the most important people in their lives. Great advice!
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I feel like this X-Plan is based on trusting each other. My teen and I have had that since her birth. As long as she stays honest with me, I have complete faith in her to make good choices when I’m not around. This is a great plan to start early in their lives. 😀
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I wish I could respond to each of your comments. I have read every one of them and am so encouraged by the honest discussion and shared ideas.
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Cell phones where not a thing for me as a teen and I didn’t have a great relationship with my parents or much family around. I put myself in situations all the time and it caused issues for me as I got older. I was 9/10yrs older than my sisters so when they entered high school I had my own place and car etc. I made it very clear they could call me day or night if they didn’t want to call our mother. I would be there no matter where they were and unless it was a risk to their lives I would keep anything shared between us a secret. I was able to help them a few times and even my niece who was a year younger than them. I honestly love this idea. The only thing I worry is if everyone is asleep and the text isn’t heard. I guess a hang up call would need to be done in addition?
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Bert this is very sound advice. I taught high school and drivers ed for many years and we always talked about what to do if they were in this kind of situation. I always asked how many of them thought their parents would pick them up in those circumstances very few said that their parents would. I would then challenge them to take a contract home asking them to have their parents agree to this. I never had a single parent refuse, it always blew the teenagers away that their parents cared more about trusting them and keeping them safe than how they got involved in an unsafe situation in the first place. It opened up lines of communication that they didn’t know were there. By the way, not one of my students ever had to use this because they all felt safe talking to their parents about what they were doing after this exercise.
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Im the aunt of a nephew who had been at a party where there was underage drinking. From what I can understand he left impaired and angry. How I wish he had called or texted for someone to come and get him. I would have encouraged him to bald faced lie to anyone there if it made him feel more comfortable about leaving safely. And I never would have questioned why. He won’t ever come home again. I would lie to every single person I know if it would make him walk through that door one more time and say ” I love you Aunt Paula” in his sing-song way because he drew the short straw to hit me up for something. And if he was with those same friends again, and got in the same situation all over again, I would do it as many times as he needed me to. Because he would still be here and not forever 18 years old.
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Reblogged this on Random Times At Ridgemont High and commented:
I love this!
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It’s VERY important for parents/others to NOT punish the kid for getting into / being in / a situation that caused them to use the escape plan. If you do, it’s possible the kid will NEVER trust you again in regard to such matters. They WILL end up hiding stuff from you – forever after that – once you prove that YOU cannot be trusted to be fair.
Early in my junior year in high school (I was 16 years old) i went on a double date (blind date for me) with a friend. The guys took us to a bar, instead of to a movie. My [then] friend, her date, and my blind date had all planned this from the beginning.
I called my parents to come pick me up. They did. I explained what had happened. I was innocent of ANY wrong-doing . . . . I called my parents to get me out of a bad situation . . . and from then on, up until I left for college almost 2 years later, my parents treated ME as though i was untrustworthy. They imposed new tight restrictions on where i could go, when i could go, with whom i could go [even though i had – on my own decision – ended my friendship with the friend who had gotten me into that problem]. My parents interrogated me on almost every request i made, to do ANYTHING; or . . worse . . often just said “no” without even getting details. Just: “no”. I was cut off from normal social contacts because my parents had decided, based on that ONE incident (in which i had trusted THEM), that i was untrustworthy.
Needless to say, I NEVER lived at home again after I left for college, and I didn’t share many details of my life with them, including stuff that they probably would have enjoyed hearing about.
That was many decades ago. i’ve lived a good, productive life; received good performance awards at work; have never run afoul of the law etc.
The only place i have ever been treated as a [potential] criminal . . . was under my own parents’ roof.
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This is bad advice imo… You should have built trust WAY before a scenario like this happens. I understand if these kids are adopted or they are troubled youth that you are trying to help… In that scenario this is a great strategy. But if this is how you would parent your own children then I would say you have failed somewhere along the developmental process. Also, as long as they live under your roof and are considered juvenile by the state then it is your right, responsibilty, and parental duty to know everything they are doing and to get all in their business. Consequences are a fantastic tool in life… Those who don’t learn consequences from their parental influences RARELY learn them as an adult and almost ALWAYS have a difficult time adapting and adjusting in society. And when they can’t – they usually turn to some type of coping mechanism (ie., drugs, alcohol abuse, etc.) … Nurturing your kids is great for their development…coddling them is devasting.
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‘to get in their business’ is coddling them!! How will they learn to be independent , to make their own decisions and to respect the rights of others to some privacy? We don’t have the right to know everything, we don’t own them. Nor do we have to control them 24/7.
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This is an amazing idea!! From the bottom of my heart thank you!! I spend so much time worrying about my daughters feeling this, doing things they know are not them. I will be using this when my girls are a little older!!
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Our family follows something similar, but the “reason” that we helped our kid come up with for leaving (the party or whatever uncomfortable situation) was that she left home without finishing cleaning her overly messy room. In my opinion, it’s a much easier “reason” to give and is much more believable. Also, it can be used as a “reason” over and over again with friend groups because many teens are perpetually messy. The friends will just think you are a strict parent and perhaps a clean freak.
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Don’t see why we need to make ourselves or them look bad! It’s not honest or true.
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I told our kids and their friends if they realized they made a bad choice dont compound one bad decision with another Call me no matter what the time, I will pick you up, take you home and I’ll never talk about it with you or their friend again unless you want too.
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Reblogged this on The Life Of Von and commented:
Treating our young people with respect, allowing their independence but giving them an escape hatch.
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